Taxes Work Personal Life Issues

We have all heard of two adults getting divorced and fighting over the kids. Who has access , when they have access and who can decide. This is a battle that gets fought out in court, in family court, in front of friends and family sometimes and sometimes even in front of the kids. It is a shame when one parent will use the children as bait, as revenge, as negotiation tools in a divorce that has gotten ugly and not to mention expensive. Any time there is a fight you can be sure that the lawyers are involved and getting paid. This is another subject and we will not dwell on it here since the real subject is all about the kids!

Depending on the age of the children when a divorce occurs there can be various impacts that are hard to predict. Young children may not be impacted much, if the separation is amicable, however if there is a continuous fight between the parents, there will always be anxiety and self blame. This can increase as the kids older when divorce occurs. They may even blame themselves for the divorce and suffer greatly as a result. Fighting over custody only makes it worse as well since this can re-enforce their anxiety about the divorce and the blame that they in turn take on.

Did not Want the Kids to Suffer

Most parents would say that they never wanted the kids to suffer, however before they know it they are in the middle of a big fight with their spouse, the gloves come off and there is a huge fight. Everything at that point becomes a question of honor of winning over the other and it includes gaining custody of the kids as well. It really is a shame, but this is reality. If only people could decide to set their fight aside, divide assets fairly and treat the other spouse with respect, everything would be much better.

We are not saying that you can prevent divorce, but you can do a better job of breaking up in order to protect the children when there is a divorce. Many spouse are looking for revenge, they have been embarrassed, they have been betrayed and some feel that they have been made fools off. If you are going to fool around, why not get divorced first. Otherwise you are going to trigger the emotions mentioned above and this brings on a war when it comes to divorce court.

Amicable Separations

One couple we know agreed to get divorced amicably and are friends to this day. They decide to put the kids first and also to separate before either one of them had an affair. Since the separation, they both have had relationships and in fact the husband has been married twice and had to separate again. Through it all they both put the kids first and they made sure that they treated each other with respect in front of the kids as well as privately.

We think these kids are very well adjusted. They may be a bit spoiled, since there is some competition as there always is between parents, but overall this is pretty normal. It takes a lot of control as well as maturity for both parents to act in this manner. But we think it stems from showing each other respect in the first place and not betraying each other behind their backs. Just our opinion but they seem to make it work.

Send Your Comments

We would love to have comments on this blog about how you made separation work for you and your children. Yes we want comments from children as well who have a totally differently outlook on the impacts of their parents divorce on them as well. Feel free to leave multiple comments. Spam comments will be deleted.

There are all kinds of issues associated with getting married for the second or even the third time. We are going to focus in on some of the legal and financial issues, touch on the emotional ones and stay away from the conflict that often occurs among former spouses and even the kids. These are important issues, however they are just not the focus of this blog.

More than 50 % of marriages will end up in divorce and so it has become pretty common for spouses to remarry a second of third time. The situation is complex enough between two people who are divorcing and then there is a 3rd person added to the mix. With children involved, the situation is much worse and much more complex.

We are not lawyers and we write these blogs from a common sense perspective with a lot of history and knowledge gained through life experiences.  If you have legal concerns, want to get a divorce or separation , we strongly suggest that you contact a local lawyer to begin working out your issues and division of assets.

Divorce is emotionally draining for both parties even under the best of circumstances. Some parties can act in a mature way, divide up the assets and move on in their lives without getting into fights or contests over the assets and of course the kids. Some will even remain friends afterwords, however they just cannot live together.

The Lawyers

This is an emotional time for everyone concerned, you and your spouse, the kids, your parents and also the girlfriend or boyfriend if there happens to be one. Some people will be hurt, others angry, some will be so mad they want to take out all of their vengeance on their soon to be ex spouse, taking them for everything they can.

Lawyers are their to help you make sure everything is completed in a legal manner, however some are aggressive and antagonistic and really just feed on the process. Their objective is to make as much money as possible and if you are at war with your ex-spouse, you are just playing into their wallets.

While it is easy to write this, it is much more difficult to follow this advice. The best approach by far is to come to an amicable agreement between you and your spouse, document it and then take it to the lawyers to make it legal so that it will stand up in court! Unfortunately, many people in the heat of emotional and anger want to punish their spouse. Some are just plain cheap and do not want to provide support for the kids. These are very hard  people, who do not trust their es-spouse and do not want to support their spouse.

Take a breath, negotiate fairly and work things out. Every hour the lawyer spends on your case, he or she is charging for at some where between $100 to $200 per hour or even more. If you both have lawyers, the cost can be incredible if the negotiations go on for an extended period of time. I have a friend who went through this. He wanted to everything in a fair way and would not take his lawyer to the negotiations. His lawyer was upset, because it meant that he could not bill for the time spent negotiating the agreements!

Divorce

Make it legal, make sure it gets filed so that you are protected and it is clear to all concerned what the agreement is for your divorce in terms of support and access to the kids if there are kids. Also the splitting of assets is important so use your lawyer to make sure everything is properly documented. Avoid being greedy or being vengeful. This will just cost you more money in terms of legal fees and end up costing your more money than what you might have saved.

Separation While Continuing to Live together in the Same Home

We know of several couples who are living in this situation. The wife is living upstairs with the kids, while the father is in the basement were the kids come to visit.  In some ways there is a practical advantage to doing it this way. The cost is kept under control since you are still only paying for one home, one set of utilities etc, however how tough can this be on the emotions of everyone?

This is really not my idea of a good time. Get through the legal separation as fast as possible with a fair and equitable arrangement so that you do not have to endure this close living situation while going through the process of separation.

While you are in this situation, remain civil, avoid confrontation and document everything. What ever occurs in the home could and will be used against you in court or family law court. If you are trying to arrange a fair and equitable split, yet you are fighting all of the time, one of you might claim mental abuse or worse.  This is just not a positive climate and if the marriage cannot be repaired, move on as quickly as possible to avoid the situation from going from bad to worse.

These are just some of the common sense things to consider in a separation or divorce situation. Easy to say, very difficult to do and follow up on in real life. At least from reading this post you will have some idea of what can do to make it better and make the transition easier. If you have comments on this post or your own ideas about this difficult situation, feel free to leave a comment. Spam comments will be erased.